Rewards

For 6 weeks now I've been participating in an amazing fitness challenge. When I say it's been life changing, I mean it. It has opened my eyes so much to my fitness journey. I had gained such an unhealthy view of being healthy. Yes, that's a thing. I became so hard on myself that I literally just put fitness to the back burner. Combined with a new job, I was just not focused on myself. Plain and simple.

When I say "an unhealthy view of being healthy," here's what I mean: It's Valentine's Day several years ago. My roommates and I had just gone out to dinner - they all had delicious food, I got a gross salad... They came home and enjoyed baking and decorating brownies, I sat there debating on if I could reward myself with one for eating so well that week. Well, I did... and then I cried and made myself do push-ups.... as if that even did anything for the calories my body had not even absorbed yet. Seriously? Push-ups over a single brownie. Looking back now, it's ridiculous.

I chose to title this post rewards, because over the last 6 weeks the definition of reward has come to mean so much to me. It's not just about rewarding myself with a cheat meal or patting myself on the back when I do something right. I've mentally begun to reward myself for starting over from scratch. I'm giving myself credit. Learning to love myself at whatever stage. The reward of that concept has been more than I ever hoped for. No, I'm not to my goal weight. No, I'm not to the size I want to be. No, I'm not evening beginning to look like I want. BUT, I feel like myself again. I'm thinking like a healthy person again. (This time, actually healthy and not obsessive.)

These past 6 weeks I feel like I've had more of a mental and emotional breakthrough. I've found my determination to do morning workouts. To track macros. To not beat myself up over anything I might do "wrong."

I've accepted perfection doesn't exist, and to me, that is my greatest reward.